- December 16th, 2009
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1. I’m not really a person. I’m actually a very realistic drawing. Of a robot.
2. I live in a sixteen-bedroom house with a cleaner called Margaret, my wife Sophie Ellis-Bextor and my imaginary friend Stephen Thimble.
3. I love the baby Jesus.
4. My name is unusual in that it’s made up of the only two unspellable words in the English language.
5. I used to be a ghost.
6. I am morally opposed to the apostrophe.
7. I can whistle in Russian.
8. I strongly dislike German women, and throw little pieces of paper at them if I see any.
9. I’m saving up for a daytrip to Bude – I’ll be spending most of the money in the joke shop.
10. My job title is Loose Fittings Adhesiviser.
11. I always greet new people with a funky handshake and the words ‘Baddaboom, baddabing!’ Everyone thinks it makes me look cool.
12. I don’t wear socks.
13. I love Hard House. Especially if it involves Tim Westwood.
14. I only count in base 6.
15. I’ve never been to London – I don’t like small people, and I know they live there.
16. I can’t laugh. When I find something funny I cry milk tears.
17. My shoe size is threven – one foot is 3, the other’s 7.
18. I only go to the moon every second Sunday. One Tuesday a month I dance round Saturn’s rings.
19. I suffer from a speech impediment that means when asked, “Alan, what’s your favourite breed of dog?” I can only answer, “Vim vim vim vim.”
20. The worst things about presenting BBC Breakfast are the early starts, having to put up with Charlie Staite, and Susannah Reed’s restraining order.
21. My favourite series of ‘Allo ‘Allo was the final one, mainly because I liked it when Herr Flick had extensive plastic surgery and ended up looking like a completely different person. And sounding different.
22. I’m not on facebook, and don’t understand what it is.
23. My lucky dinosaur is the Putrisaurus, or ‘Rotting Lizard’.
24. I have a special room where time goes backwards. Anoushka, my mannequin, alternates between living in the shed and living in the backwards room to keep herself looking young.
25. I got all the way through this list without mentioning Kate Silverton.